A Beautiful Nightmare: A Novel Read online

  He frowned. “It’s your favorite movie, right?”

  “Yeah … but how do you know that?” I never told him that. I’d told Denny, but he hadn’t actually given a crap. At least not later on.

  He looked away, face stone. “Watch the damn movie, Kinley.”

  How did he know that? I tapped my fingers on my thigh and racked my brain as Dorothy fell asleep and woke up in her own nightmare. There was only one way to know that. I peeked at him, my blood chilling. I had a copy in my storage. It was a small ten by ten storage facility I kept when Denny and I moved in together. My old things were tacky and unsophisticated, so I hid them, but kept them, because not all old things were forgotten. Sometimes those old things were what kept us going.

  My hands began to shake. I carefully pushed them under my thighs. My car. My storage. My house. My things. They were probably all gone. Like me. I was gone. A memory to no one but Denny, and apparently not one to him either. The only person I existed to was Dash.

  “You’re mine,” came his dark deep rumble. “It’d be easier on us both if you accepted it.”

  I fell on my side and curled into a ball, watching Dorothy’s nightmare become bright and colorful. Another lie.

  “What about my patients?” All of my patients. Jorge, Rita, Lars, Naomi, Greg—they needed me.

  “They will show up to an empty building. Denny’s name was on the lease. Yours was expunged from the record. If anyone did dig deep enough, they’d find your name and perhaps a relationship to your suite. But who would?”

  I tried to breathe through my panic. “So I’m gone?”

  “As am I.”

  “It’s like I never existed? Like I didn’t live for twenty-seven years? Didn’t struggle? Didn’t win? Nothing I did matters.”

  “It matters.”

  “To who?” I demanded, feeling his words opening up and swallowing me.

  “To me.”

  I closed my eyes in pain. I mattered to a man, because he was the only one left.

  Which meant I didn’t matter at all. I was nothing. No one.

  Nothing at all but the prisoner Dash had created when he locked me inside.

  I was no longer real.

  12.

  Right, My Queen?

  I was vaguely aware of the movie ending.

  Dash’s snores reached a crescendo, his body shifted to get more comfortable on the couch, and then aware of nothing as I faded within this version of me.

  All my life I’d feared this moment. Being no one at all. I’d been no one to my parents, or their subsequent significant others. I’d been no one to my peers. No one to the men I’ve dated and dismantled, to the ones who dismantled me. I’d been someone to Denny, but now I wondered if we’d been nothing to each other. But now, in this tower, I was a memory to no one. A faceless nameless woman who made the mistake of falling in love with one of her patients and walking right into his trap.

  I was trapped.

  I rolled onto my back, disturbing my captor. He was my captor again. How could I let him in? Fall for his shit? Why wasn’t I stronger than my heart when it came to this damn man? I kicked him out of my way and rolled over once more, shoving my face into the cushions to shield them from the rising sun.

  With a groan, he himself got comfortable, mumbling, “Kinley,” under his breath like a final plea.

  “Shut up,” I whispered.

  How could he love me and make it so I didn’t exist? How could you love someone and erase their past? That person didn’t exist. I didn’t exist.

  Worse, how could I let him in when I only mattered to him? It’s like all of my running all my life no longer counted. Running from my parents, even if they weren’t chasing me. Running from my youth, even if it already happened. Running from my failed relationship, even if it failed the moment Dash walked into my office and locked me in place with those mesmerizing hungry eyes. The struggle I fought, the pain, all of it was over and meaningless. What had I even fought for?

  Mattering to only one person might not be such a bad thing. But it was if that person was having an episode, and a months’ worth of pills would clear their heads. That was the real reason Dash didn’t take his medicine. In his sanity he’d have to admit this was insane and then he would have to let me go. He’d have to lose me, and let me go back to a life that didn’t exist.

  Dash erased my past. Even if I walked out of here right now I’d have nowhere to go, nothing, not a single damn dime. All of my income was tied into Denny’s. He’d cut every tie that bound me to him.

  That’s what’s happened when you believed the other’s person’s lies while creating so much of your own.

  I covered my ears and closed my eyes before it could start, before my subconscious could whisper the truth. That Denny was a liar too, and I wanted so much to believe my own, I pretended his weren’t as large. That perhaps four years ago, I sold my soul for a chance at my dream, and Dash might be the only thing keeping me alive.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  But that didn’t matter. The A/C kicked on overhead, giving me the oxygen I needed.

  Because Dash McKing had thought of everything, even the breath I’d need.

  My subconscious faded slowly into unconsciousness. When I woke, Dash was using my ass as a pillow and my world was still on its side. I rolled over slowly and stared down at him.

  “Handsome psycho,” I whispered, reaching down to thread my fingers in his dark hair. It was damp with his sweat. I trailed my fingers down his temple and then returned them to his hair, searching until I found what I was looking for. He had a scab where I’d hurt him. I rubbed it softly, my eyes glassy with tears. I’d never get myself out of his hole. I’d hopped in before I knew how long the fall was, because I just wanted … everything I wasn’t.

  He nuzzled my hand with his head and then rested his cheek on my stomach, more youthful in sleep than when he was awake. I should have run away with him the day we made love. We should have dressed, took the other’s hand, and spent our lives running. Now we were prisoners. He before I met him. Me before I knew him. We were locked in a tower long before these walls were built.

  But I hadn’t done that. At the time I thought I knew. I thought I knew who Dash was the moment we met. That’s why I fought him. I fought the desire, the attraction, I fought a man I wanted more than I wanted anything. Because Dash was an uproot to my world. He wouldn’t be like all the others. He wouldn’t let my lies be, overlook my mistakes, and pretend I was as I appeared. Dash saw right through me to the woman I was beneath it all, a woman even I didn’t know.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  His chest rose and fell. “I know.”

  “Make love to me.” I threaded my fingers deep, wrapping them around his dark locks.

  He shook his head and pressed a kiss to my vagina through my shorts. “I’ll hurt you.” His eyes opened and he looked up at me, the gold in them making my core tighten. “Truth?”

  “Right now, Dash, I need to tell the truth.”

  “If I let you go right now, would you run from me forever?”

  A tear fell down the side of my cheek. “I’d run.”

  “Why?” he demanded, grabbing the waist band on my shorts. With a rough tug, he pulled them down my legs, leaving me in my white cotton panties. There was a wet mark. As he stared, it spread. He settled between my thighs and met my eyes. “Why do you keep running from me?”

  I closed my eyes. “I’ve been running my whole life.”

  He pulled my panties to the side, leaving me bare to him. His fingers stroked me. “So smooth. Did you shave for me?”

  “Yes.” I was on the edge of snapping.

  “Why do you run, my queen?” His hot wet tongue stroked my slick opening, making a delicious much needed shiver travel over my body.

  With a sob, I opened my eyes; the world blurred from my tears. “I’m scared.”

  He stroked me with his tongue from my core to my clitoris, long wet strokes of pure ecstasy. “You
r taste is perfection, Kinley. So sweet, so wet, I’d give up everything for this taste.”

  I ground my hips around my moan, feeling immense pleasure in the midst of my pain. “It’s yours. You know that, don’t you?”

  “What are you scared of?”

  I reached down blindly and grabbed fistfuls of his hair, grinding my hips against his tongue. I was so high already, existing in his love, his attention—his idea of forever. “I don’t know. But I’ve been afraid my entire life. Of the me I was. The me my parents didn’t want, that they ignored. The me I had to be to survive. The me I became to have what I wanted. The me I was the second I met you. The me I am now. Me. I’m terrified of me. Because I don’t know who I really am.”

  He wrapped his lips around my clitoris and sucked me hard, making me cry out. “I know it’s mine. Everything you are is mine.”

  I sobbed as I came, orgasming and crying, falling and flying—I was high in my pain. “Yours. I want to be yours.”

  He urged my thighs apart and returned, lapping my excitement up, tasting me like I was worth every single drop on his tongue. “I know who you are. Don’t worry about her. I’ve got her. She’s safe with me. She’s beautiful. She’s wanted. She’s the only reason I live. Don’t fight her. She’s mine too.”

  I covered my face in my hands as my tears flowed, as his tongue continued, massaging my clitoris with soothing strokes of his tongue. So I let her go—for now—and rode the wave Dash tossed me in. He sucked on my clitoris, made love to me with is tongue, tasted far more than my pussy. My fingers pulled at his hair, I tossed my head to the side, and came again and again, coming so hard my eyes blurred and my heart shattered, wanting Dash McKing to roll around in my pieces. They were his.

  I was his.

  I wanted to be his.

  “I love you,” I mewled senselessly. “I love you.”

  I came so hard I couldn’t hear his reply.

  “Am I yours?” I wanted to be his. Someone’s. I didn’t want to be mine anymore. This liar. This forgotten soul. This woman who was probably as ill as Dash, but pushed everything she felt down because it was safer inside than out.

  He cleaned me with something, leaving me dry. He put my panties back in place. “Lift your hips,” he ordered. I did, and he slid my shorts back in place. “You’re mine, Kinley. Don’t ever worry about that. You can fight me. You can fight this. I’m prepared for this battle. But you’re mine, no matter how hard your fears try to convince you that you’re not.” He lay on top of me, his full weight on me, and wrapped me in his arms.

  I brought my arms around him and held on. I wrapped my legs around his waist too, wanting to be as close as possible. His erection pressed into me, hard as granite, warm like fire, wanting inside. I humped him, wanting to give him some sort of end. I was swimming in this nightmare, drowning in the gold and darkness, wanting one but not the other.

  His lips found mine and our spark reignited. Not that it ever went away. It was simply waiting for me to strike the match.

  His hardness caressed me through my shorts, wanting inside of me as badly as I wanted him to be.

  He put my hands over my head and locked our fingers together, moving away to lock gazes. Pleasure shimmered around his pupils.

  “Come, Dash.” I lost myself in his gold liquid gaze. “I want you to come too.”

  He humped me faster, eyes burning gold flames.

  “I want to make you come.” I never had. Not even when he made love. He came because it was an end, but not one I’d given him. I freed my hand and slipped it between us. “Sit back.”

  His breaths were like growls. He sat on his heels. I struggled in my fog to sit. I grabbed his waistband and pulled his shorts down. His erection sprang free. As hard and long as I remembered. Thick, wrapped in veins and rock. I wanted it in my mouth, in the back of my throat, taking my lies and making them his pleasure. I leaned forward and put his throbbing head into my mouth.

  His taste was divine. Musky and salty; I sucked him into my mouth. I took his head and fondled it with my tongue, reaching down to pull my cami up. He reached around back and ripped it off, freeing my swelling achy breasts. I grabbed hold of him, and began to take every thick hard inch of him into my mouth. He was hot like heated silk, so soft and hard at the same time, like stroking marble that had been in the sun.

  His thickness stretched my lips, hitting the back of my throat. I relaxed my throat and eased more of them, wanting him all the way inside of me.

  Senseless growls emanated from his chest. No words. None at all. Growls and teeth—Dash was set free. He grabbed the back of my head and urged me deeper on his length.

  “All of it, Kinley. Take all of me in your mouth.”

  He slid his hand around me and found my nipple, pinching me roughly, painfully, perfectly. I took as much of him as I could, until I couldn’t breathe and my breaths were his. As if he knew, he urged me back. I gasped for air, eyes tearing, spit dripping down my chin.

  He pressed his lips to mine and kissed me ravenously. “You are so perfect right now. Open your mouth.” I complied. He twisted his fingers in my hair and pulled me down on his cock. “Can I come in your mouth?”

  I twirled my tongue around his head, and nodded.

  With a growl, he moved into my mouth the way he would move into me. Rough and fast. I braced my free hand on his thighs and held on as he came undone. When his end came, he filled my mouth with his hot sticky load. I swallowed it greedily, wanting more, so much more. Another stream coated my tongue. Musk and salt, a sweet coating. I closed my eyes in bliss and drank him, massaging his shaft with long strokes, drinking him all the way down. His taste coated my tongue and throat, making it so every part of my mouth tasted like Dash.

  He fell away, gasping for breath on his back. I moved over him, taking him back into my mouth. He was still hard. Still hot and smooth. I met his eyes and sucked on his head, getting every last shred of come out of his cock.

  I was undone.

  I was a savage animal let loose on a man who could finally keep up.

  Who wanted to keep up.

  I ripped my shorts off, my panties too, and tried to grab at him. I wanted him inside of me right now. I shoved his shirt up so his abs and chest were mine.

  “No,” he ordered, pushing me off.

  I knocked his hands away and straddled him. I fisted his cock and guided the tip of it to my core.

  “Stop. We’re not wearing a condom.”

  I ignored him, and inserted a delicious inch. He stretched me so good. I braced myself against his chest, and let him sink inside another inch.

  He was so huge. Even as ready as I was, I had to wonder if he’d taken it easy on me the first time we had sex.

  “Kin, off.”

  Yeah, right, I thought wildly. I dug my nails into his chest and circled my hips, sending a bolt of pleasure through me from deep, deep inside. I looked down to find that he was barely in. There was so much more of him to take. The idea was so comforting, so soul soothing, that I let the two inches already in send me into a tailspin. I still had many inches left to take. But I would take them. All of him. I would be one with him again, before the lies came back to tear us apart.

  I opened my eyes to find he was watching me. He held my face tenderly as I rode him. “Come, my queen. You can use me whenever you want. My body is yours. My heart is yours. I am yours.”

  I erupted, shaking so hard I had to fall against him. His arms came around me and he urged me down, so that one more inch slid inside. I lay across his chest with him inside, my inner muscles clenching around him for what felt like hours.

  “You ready to give up?” he asked, kissing my forehead.

  “Can I have this if I do?” I clenched my inner muscles around him, and I had this feeling he was keeping himself hard for me. So I could have him where I wanted him.

  “Forever,” he promised. “Tell me the truth, Kinley, and you can have absolutely whatever you want every single time.”

  I la
y sprawled across his chest. A quiet shattering was breaking me apart. “I want to tell the truth,” I whispered.

  His body sagged in relief. “May I pull free? I don’t want to come inside of you. Not yet anyway. Eventually I will. The way you want me too, right, my queen?”

  I nodded against him as he left me, leaving an empty space that made my eyes tear. “Right.”

  He wrapped me in his arms and held me, rocking back and forth until I succumbed to his heat, warmth, and … him.

  13.

  The Air In Here Wasn’t Safe

  My cheeks blazed.

  Waking up in naked Dash’s arms felt like giving up more than I was willing to admit post ravenous sex crazed attack.

  His hands trailed down my spine, over my ass, and back up. Up and down, up and down—I lost myself in his touch.

  “I’d like to tell the truth.”

  “What?”

  “I have spent my entire life choosing between negative emotions.” His hands continue to trail. “They were my only option. I’ve never felt anything close to good until I met you. When we made love, for the first time I felt like a real person who wasn’t inadequate, who wasn’t defective, just a man with the woman he wanted. But you pushed me away, and my good broke. It was gone. Waking up with you, sleeping with you, waking up with your taste in my mouth.” He sighed unevenly, a strangled breath of relief. “I’m good again. You make me good, Kinley. You make me human. Please stop running from me. I’m not the bad guy. I’m the man you love. Right? You love me, don’t you, my queen?”

  “You are a real person. I’m sorry no one treated you that way, but you are.” I’ve only loved him.

  He sighed and ceased his touch. “Back to lying, I see. Stop trying to be my therapist. You suck at it. May I rise? I want to shower.”

  I shook my head and burrowed deeper. “Do you really think that?”

  “The first six months of therapy with you? No. You were the most exceptional therapist I had. Attentive, caring, helpful. You didn’t kick me out when the hour was up. You let me give you nothing, and still smiled when I left. Those first six months were perfect.”